ay-bee-ti! (03-15-09)

This day ended with a sigh of relief indeed.

I thought I will never be able to pass my mission for this day.

The torture of waiting for something you are dreading to take place is really agonizing.

My sleep last night was always interrupted by my cell phone’s alarm, and what’s funny is that, I slept on the couch with the lights on and the manual covering my face.

Studying, or shall I say, memorizing, became new to me again. It’s like I went back to my good, old schooling days wherein I have to act like nuts™ (that means I’m talking to myself peeps) and burn my midnight candles just to pass a certain exam. And yes, the anxiety is present.

Morning came and I finally decided to stop worrying about it. Inputs won’t get into my nutcracked brain anymore, what can i do? *eyes roll* haha!

So I just took a bath, dressed up, had my kulitan moments with Rai, ate breakfast, then off to the place where we will be judged.

Surprisingly, I can’t feel any audible lubb-dubb pounding inside my chest. But what’s bugging is that my mind can’t stop nagging me of the ‘what if’s’ . Time kept on running and I thought it’ll take forever before I stand there proving myself to these people that I can also do what is expected of me.

Luckily, they were all very kind and supportive to us. And even if my mind was not on its usual state, I still managed to finish everything that is required of me.

Now I’m proud to say…

I DID IT!

notes from yesterday

I have been told that only the extremes of my emotion could make me write from the heart.

I say, I DARE MY HEART NOW.

I find hard to immortalize into words this solitude inside of me.
If only my tears could explain everything, then I’ll be relieved.
I could never tell what the future will bring forth, but for what it’s all worth, I’m thankful that it holds the answer to all my confusions.

Indeed, happiness may evade us, even if we put our utmost effort in capturing its beauty. It sometimes make me think that it has a free will to choose the chosen ones. The more I seek for it, the more it eludes me.

So better not?

*heavy sigh*

I don’t wanna sound desperate for answers but these kind of dilemmas shatter my thoughts everytime I take an attempt to challenge my undefying, nutcracked brain.

I’m still in search of the reason for early morning smiles, my late evening cries. And at times, i find hard to realize that my feet has already left the ground.

I am DISHEARTENED.

My hopes are failing me. My expectations have left my stand.
And I fear that I might reach the point where my own faith has given up on me.

H O U R G L A S S

T I M E.

It’s something that we always check to keep up with our schedule. It’s something that we race against to beat deadlines. It’s something that we often take for granted.

W H Y?

Because it runs for itself. Involuntarily, it doesn’t have the concept of stopping or even slowing down. It moves at a constant, predictable pace. It’s inevitable.

Humans as we are, we tend to let time slip away thinking that we will never ever run out of it. Time became a commoner. An ordinary occurence that we people carelessly don’t mind because of the mentality that whatever we do, we can’t bend its infinity.

Nevertheless, there are still (only) a few people who knows its true value (or is forced to value it because they have no other choice but to do so).

To a DYING person, time is of the essence. Having to know that in any moment, you’ll stop  breathing and your heart will stop pumping, is indeed, a horrible torture to bear. If you could only do things which you have not done or have failed to do within that limited span of time, you would. The sad thing is, there are no extensions. You can only do so much.

It is when we know that we don’t have the control over something definite makes us value what we have more. It is the fear of losing everything that we’ve worked hard for makes us realized its importance.

Tell me…

Do we really have to lose what we have before we learn to appreciate them?

ONLY time will tell.

REMEMBER, regrets don’t come in the beginning.

So make the most out of what you have NOW, no matter how small, simple, typical it is.

BECAUSE you’ll never know when the sand in your HOURGLASS will be depleted.

CONFESSIONS of a DRAMA queen [part 2]

I thought in my silence, everything would still go at it is. I felt safe with my position. I never felt threatened that I’ll be replace. Though this has crossed my mind before, I never thought that it would come this soon.

I am surprised… confused… and more importantly, I am hurt.

I wish I didn’t see what I saw. So I won’t ever have to feel this way again. It’s deeply seering. As if it’s digging right through my core. Now, somethin sleeping has awaken.

I have felt this once when I was in my 2nd grade. . .

My bestfriend gave me something beautiful… somethin which my heart desire for so long. And coming from my bestfriend, it really meant the whole world to me. I felt really special. It made me truly happy.

But as time passed by, we became busy with our own lives that we haven’t had time to really be together.

Dormant..distant.. silent…

Until to the point that she found a new bestfriend.

One day… she asked me to give back what she gave to me. Right then and there, emotions came rushing, flooding my eyes with tears.

It’s the thought of being taken away from something you thought you already own… somethin which you already got used to..

It’s so painful.

And as easy as that? It’ll be revoked just because someone already occupied your place in their life.

It’s like starting again.. from the beginning. Everything’s EMPTY.

Only time knows when this pain will go away.

Till then, I can stop and stare at you and still smile without feeling bad, even if in your life, I matter no more.+

But this I promise you…

Even when your whole world will leave you…

I will always be the Mai that you knew.

More than willing to share my world with you~

confessions of a drama queen [part 1]

Don’t ever think that this is easy or me. That I am not hurting. I am. But I have to do this. Not  because I want to. But because this is the right thing to do. I have to act now, before you crack the hell out of me. And my life won’t be the same again. I don’t need another stab, especially now that I’m still fragile and vulnerable. I won’t let anyone break me. Not even you. So I’d rather walk away from everything than let you get to me and make me feel worthless by giving me a cold shoulder. My self-esteem has been on its lowest level in the past and you have no idea watta hell it is for me to wake up everyday feeling DEAD. So don’t take this against me.

I just learned that, "an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure." Nursing taught me that…

LET IT BE ~

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me.
Shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
There will be no sorrow

Let it be, let it be.
Let it be, yeah let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

There will be an answer, let it be.

***Hearing this song gives me a positive outlook in life. It is indeed one of those heartwarming songs that makes me hope for the better. So sincere, so powerful that it makes me cry at times.(*believe it!)

The Beatles weren’t just part of history. They’re the living legends that will continue to influence our today’s music scene. They’re like the geniuses who served as the founder of brilliant music pieces…inspiring younger generations to create high quality music.

Brooke White made a wonderful performance for this song. Giving justice to the song is not easy. It takes a lot of effort to find in your soul the connection between you and what you’re singing. It shows - in your eyes, in the tone of your voice, in your actions. If you and the song are one, you create this unbelievable charisma that even just a televiewer way half across the globe could really feel your emotions. *shivers*

What can I say?

"MAGICAL!"

CONVERSATIONS~

Mai’s stats: "there will be an answer.. LET IT BE.. *sick i think*

aragorn622000: there will be answer to what? =)
Mai: *big grin*
Mai: musta?
aragorn622000: good
aragorn622000: u
Mai: hehehe to questions?
aragorn622000: how about sa prayers meron?
Mai: God has. *smiling*
aragorn622000: kahit matagal nyang sagutin?
Mai: if you have the patience to wait, y not? *smiling*
Mai: do u have?
aragorn622000: yeah
aragorn622000: thanks, so smart =) luv yah
Mai: hihihi love u too *kiss*
aragorn622000: may hinihiling kasi ako kay lord, di pa nya sinasagot =)
Mai: tagal na yata nyan e.. ilang taon na ba?
Mai: anong petsa na?
Mai: kaya pa ba?
Mai: *big grin*
aragorn622000: hindi, bago lang
aragorn622000: hindi pa ganon katagal kong hinihiling
aragorn622000: pag sinagot ni lord, kukuwento ko sayo huhu
Mai: ahhh… sana hindi ma stuck sa waiting list yang hiling mo… sana nasa priority list *smiling* para naman di ka maghintay ng matagal.. or if it’s not granted… at least, alam mo kagad… para u know what to do next *smiling*
Mai: torture kc maghintay
aragorn622000: true
aragorn622000: sana nga malaman ko kaagad
aragorn622000: kaso ayaw pa i reveal ni lord eh
aragorn622000: ayoko naman syang madaliin
aragorn622000: so serious natin hehe
aragorn622000: pero sometimes ka2 depressed kasi kahit vision wala man lang mahagilap kung may chance na i-grant
Mai: hmmm.. i think i have an idea na about wish mo… anyways… i think u have to set a time frame for that… it’s not about rushing the person into somethin… just make him know that you’re waiting..kc it’s not enough to just pray.. sometimes, it takes some action to make it happen ;))
aragorn622000: at ano naman yang idea na yan?
aragorn622000: cge nga
Mai: secret
Mai: *ROFL*
aragorn622000: pero that is so true
aragorn622000: galing pede na guidance counselor
Mai: alam mo na un.. wish mo e :-j
Mai: ahahahah!
Mai: loka!
Mai: *laughing*
aragorn622000: kung alam mo nga kung ano wish ko eh
aragorn622000: ano?
aragorn622000: di mo alam
Mai: yoko nga sabihin! *laughing*
Mai: wak mo din sabihin
Mai: *ROFL*
aragorn622000: wala basta iba to
aragorn622000: hindi mo alam to hehe
Mai: uu na.. hindi na :-j
Mai: sana sana oh sana matupad!
Mai: *big grin*
aragorn622000: lahat ng winish ko kay lord binigay nya ha hehe
aragorn622000: pero pansin ko nga matagal nya bago ibigay hehe
aragorn622000: binigay nya nong di ko na ini expect hehe
aragorn622000: kaya alam ko pagbibigyan nya ako hehe
aragorn622000: close kami eh hehe
Mai: hahaha! *laughing*
Mai: ok yan a
Mai: buti pa kau
Mai: super close
Mai: ako naghahanap pa ng tyempo
Mai: hehehe
Mai: gs2 ko din maging close kami e
Mai: *big grin*
aragorn622000: magiging close din kayo
aragorn622000: kausapin mo lang ng kausapin
aragorn622000: hehe
aragorn622000: pero di pa kami super close, close pa lang hehe
Mai: hehehe kinakausap ko naman
Mai: pero kulang pa e
Mai: kikilalanin ko muna mabuti
Mai: baka sabihin
Mai: feeling close ako
Mai: e di ko pa masyado know lahat about sa kanya
Mai: *big grin*
aragorn622000: ok
aragorn622000: ako naman iniisip ko feeling close lang din, di ko alam kung  ganon din sya hehe
Mai: ako cgro… lagi ko sya kinakausap pag extremes ang feeling ko.. da highs and downs… try ko mamaya minsan nga.. parang magic e.. sa text ang sagot *laughing* galing talaga *big grin*
aragorn622000: like?
aragorn622000: sample
Mai: like may tinatanong ako sa kanya.. sabi ko, "bespren,pwede ba magbigay ka ng hint?" "kc d ko alam kng anong iisipin ko o gagawin.. kakalito e" 
Mai: tapos ayun.. beep ang cp ko
Mai: may nagpadala ng quotes
Mai: *laughing*
Mai: ganun na ganun ung topic.. related talaga.. parang cnagot bigla
Mai: *laughing*
aragorn622000: whoa! galing
Mai: tpos tatawa ako.. sabi ko.. totoo ba to bes?
aragorn622000: pero totoo nga yan
Mai: anak ng.. may nagpadala ulet ng ganun ding msg.. iba lang ang nagpadala..
Mai: o d ba? ang galing *big grin*
Mai: parang kinonfirm lang
Mai: *big grin*
aragorn622000: u’ll never know talaga
aragorn622000: saya noh
Mai: honga e.. ang sarap sa pakiramdam… when u’r prayers are answered, it feels like a thorn was pulled out from you.. and u feel light
aragorn622000: kaya nga have faith and have patience
aragorn622000: sabi nga don sa binili ko sa sampaguia gardens na badge "jesus never fails"

Mai: totally agree! *hugs*
aragorn622000: *kiss*

aragorn622000: ok
aragorn622000: it was nice chatting with you
aragorn622000: u have a great mind
aragorn622000: gotta go
aragorn622000: 1st fri of the month ngaun
aragorn622000: mass lang ako, kakausapin ko ulit si lord *big grin*

(4/4/2008 5:15 PM)

~iNNueNDo~

i dont want to make memories with you again.

memories that could hunt and hurt me in the end.

a moment with you may lead to a year of pain for me.

a torture that i could no longer endure, if it’s meant to be.

i tend to lose myself when i’m with you.

and i hate that i love you so.

but i’m contented with what we have now.

eventhough this is less than what i’ve hoped for…

this is more than enough for a contented soul.

now i know, we can’t really be friends.

i already have lots, same goes with you.

if i’m only a friend for you at the most,

then you are no longer my friend at all.

so this it then…

this is where my fairytale ends.

-FIN.

HALLELUJAH!

You left me hangin.

You evaded me.

You shut me down.

You made me feel alone and pathetic.

BUT FOR WHAT IT’S ALL WORTH…

You made me bolder.

You made me stronger.

You made me better.

SERIOUSLY,

I never thought that breaking someone could be this rewarding.

You made me realize just how much I need anyone BUT you.

BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE…

i THANK you.

For stepping into my life.

For walking out of it.

And for not coming back.

NOTEPAD EXCERPTS

The rain is pouring and the earth just had 1 full rotation on its axis.

12mn.

But tears kept on coming just like the rain.

I’m scared that i’ll fall again for the wrong person.

My heart has already been bruised and abused.

It has just survived a terrible injury.

I’m scared that it’ll happen again.

I don’t know if it can still endure another stab;-(