Perplexed

All my life,I wanted to run away from the people who have nailed me under their scrutinizing eyes. I wanted to break free and be myself. I wanted to puff and gulp and fly to some ass kickin rave party with no curfew and restrictions. I wanted to find myself and along the way, embrace d changes that it’ll bring me. I wanted to see another view of the world, inhale a different kind of air (if that’s possible), feel a new heat of the sun…it seems that I’m asking for too much huh? But hey, can’t I?

From the time I had full understanding of the things around me, I vowed to myself that wherever may life takes me, I won’t ever forget where I came from and that I will take full responsibility of my actions. I don’t want to put my future and my family’s reputation in jeopardy. I know my limitations and I’m taking hold of it. Isn’t this enough as a guarantee?

You see, as much as possile, I am training my mind and my heart not to expect a lot from the people around me. But until now, I’m having difficulty on that part. I always expect things to happen even if it’s way impossible, that’s why I always end up hurting myself.

I just want to be happy. Feel what real joy feels like.

Is that too much to ask for?

Sometimes, I feel really pathetic. Like now, it breaks me.

I wish this dilemma of mine will end…

The question is: How?

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i hate this…

I hate thinkin’ about it. I mean, yes. I’m 19. I should be proud of myself that I have reached this age without screwing things big time. I should be thankful that I have earned the respect that I deserved. I should be happy with where and who i am now. I should… I am… and I would…

But despite of it, I can still feel an emptiness in me. I don’t know why and I don’t know what’s missing. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I don’t want to experiment on things just to find my way to that missing piece and in the end, regret and blame myself for not being patient. I can wait. I know I can. My mind tells me so…

But my heart tells me NO.

Hell! What’s this dilemma I have that it makes me an insomniac this past few days. I don’t want this feeling. I don’t want it my head neither.

My life has been, if not perfect, doin’ good over the years. I have tried my best to conform with what is expected of me. Though sometimes I deviate, I still make sure that it won’t be something that will destroy what I’ve worked for my whole life.

I don’t want to hurt anybody, especially those who believe in me. In fact, I want them to be proud of me.

But sometimes, I get so tired of it. I mean, I’m not complaining. I’m just voicing my woes… I feel really alone now.

I want, no.. I need…company.

I am jealous. I am. I won’t deny that.

I wanna cry.

I tried my best to be strong.

And I am trying still.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite.

As much as possible, I want to be true to myself.

I have a lot of questions. My self-esteem is zooming below sea-level at this time. Why am I not happy? Why am I empty?

I guess this is just life for me. I know I’m a bit confusing now. Yes. Noone might understand the way I feel.

Life indeed is a paradox. What you want, you don’t get. What you get, you don’t enjoy. What you enjoy is not permanent. What is permanent is boring.

I guess the answer to my questions is just there… I may not see it yet,

but for sure, God will give me clues.

And I pray that He would give the people around me-the eyes that could see beyond what an average eye could see…

_PEACE_

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DISCHARGED^_^

Thank You

TO ALL WHO DROPPED BY…

WHO STAYED…

WHO KEPT THEMSELVES AWAKE…

WHO CALLED…

WHO TEXTED…

WHO NURSED…

WHO CARED

AND PRAYED…

>FOR ME<

…when my antibodies

seemed to lose the battle against the antigens..

Y’ALL GUYS

Became my reinforcement!

A GAZILLION THANKS

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HYPOTHALAMUS^_^

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