i hate this…
I hate thinkin’ about it. I mean, yes. I’m 19. I should be proud of myself that I have reached this age without screwing things big time. I should be thankful that I have earned the respect that I deserved. I should be happy with where and who i am now. I should… I am… and I would…
But despite of it, I can still feel an emptiness in me. I don’t know why and I don’t know what’s missing. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I don’t want to experiment on things just to find my way to that missing piece and in the end, regret and blame myself for not being patient. I can wait. I know I can. My mind tells me so…
But my heart tells me NO.
Hell! What’s this dilemma I have that it makes me an insomniac this past few days. I don’t want this feeling. I don’t want it my head neither.
My life has been, if not perfect, doin’ good over the years. I have tried my best to conform with what is expected of me. Though sometimes I deviate, I still make sure that it won’t be something that will destroy what I’ve worked for my whole life.
I don’t want to hurt anybody, especially those who believe in me. In fact, I want them to be proud of me.
But sometimes, I get so tired of it. I mean, I’m not complaining. I’m just voicing my woes… I feel really alone now.
I want, no.. I need…company.
I am jealous. I am. I won’t deny that.
I wanna cry.
I tried my best to be strong.
And I am trying still.
I don’t want to be a hypocrite.
As much as possible, I want to be true to myself.
I have a lot of questions. My self-esteem is zooming below sea-level at this time. Why am I not happy? Why am I empty?
I guess this is just life for me. I know I’m a bit confusing now. Yes. Noone might understand the way I feel.
Life indeed is a paradox. What you want, you don’t get. What you get, you don’t enjoy. What you enjoy is not permanent. What is permanent is boring.
I guess the answer to my questions is just there… I may not see it yet,
but for sure, God will give me clues.
And I pray that He would give the people around me-the eyes that could see beyond what an average eye could see…
_PEACE_
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