EXCERPTS from my NOTEPAD… d lost days…
8/2/07- confused and alone: locked up mode
I am lacking. I have emptiness that I can’t explain. I don’t feel secured. I am not at peace. I wanted company. No… I need it.
I am becoming more and more vulnerable each day. I am gradually changing. Evolving. This is not what I am. Or was it that I haven’t just accepted the change?
I just wanted my spirit to feel alive and human. Like what most of my kins have been. That is, if I’m really one of them. Ridiculous. Silly. But Hey! If we were wearing the same uniform, it doesn’t mean we’re classmates. We’re all just from the same school, but it doesn’t mean we compliment one another. Nor does it apply that we have the same learnings.
The facade is just painted as it is, so that you will have to find out yourself the unique difference of each. Dig deeper and uncover. If not, then, you will just be looking at a painting without knowing the strokes and colors behind its intricate beauty. How dull :’(
I have a lot of questions. I know most of the answers but I think they’re not really deserving to be called "answers." They’re just facts of the idealism set by this world. You know, for basis. For people to believe that a certain thing exist, there must be a reason or explanation behind it. A purpose. A rationale. Nevertheless, those are the undeniable sweet-bitter truth.
But why do I think such of them???
Maybe because I have been wanting to prove their existence all along.
To TEST. To FEEL. To EXPERIENCE.
You know what I mean?… a touch of REALITY…Yes, that’s the exact words I’ve been trying to imply.
Obviously, my mind’s cluttered. And I can’t seem to gather every thought that’s been messing my encephalon. My emotions are at its peak. I can’t seem to fathom its depth. It’s making me feel ambiguously dramatic. Eccentric? Bipolar? I just wanted to live. Be like anyoneelse. I don’t want to be extraordinary anymore. It’s making me feel alone. Isolated. Besides, nobody seems to notice the ‘extra’ in the ordinary. Everyone in the crowd is too busy with their own affairs. They won’t bother to take a look at the corner where extras are. Nobody will care to stop and spend time in something that’s been left out anyway. Typical is fine with me. At least, I belong.
So what do I owe the value of waiting? To myself? To someoneelse? What do I get from it? LESSONS? Rewards?
The clock is ticking. Anything can happen in a split second. Uncertain and ephemeral. And still, I’ll wait???
HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN I SHOULD START PACING? Or CHASING?
This is BORING.
Why do we need to complicate when we could just simplify?! And why is it so hard to tell the truth and so easy to lie?! When if you look at its by-product, nothing’s different. It’ll be just the same.
PAIN.
SO why fret about it when you know you will deal with it sooner or later?! The things is… the longer you conceal the rot, the fouler it’ll become.
DEODORIZE!
SANITIZE!
But NEVER sterilize!
Because you can never make your skin sterile.
Now that’s a FACT!
INTERNAL AFFAIRS | Comment (0)
LESSONS…
LESSON #1: NEVER MAKE UP A LIE AND GET BUSTED…
This is with regards to my previous post here, which I just deleted because as I thought about it, it’s only making my bloggie filthy. Furthermore, the person concerned will no longer exist in my friends list, ym, and even in my phone, for I don’t consider anymore such persons as my friend.
LESSON #2: I ALWAYS TAKE THREATS SERIOUSLY, SO DON’T DARE PRANKED WITH ME…
I am a nursing graduate and I’m used to dealing with Psychiatric Patients. And I always apply what I’ve learned in my daily living. SUICIDE THREATS, real or not, is serious. It’s life that we’re talking about here and not just an inanimate object that you can easily replace. You see, I’m a person who doesn’t take anyone for granted, especially if you’re a dear friend of mine or maybe beyond. And when you say that you need my help, rest assured, you won’t hear a NO as an answer. But for the love of God, if you have nothing to do with your life, don’t play with me and make me worry to the point that I can no longer sleep!
LESSON #3: TRUST ONLY THE WORTHY
Now, I get really cautious on whom I will give my trust. Because the last time I did, I got disappointed. This is very important to me… HONESTY. That’s all I ask.
INTERNAL AFFAIRS | Comment (0)*SHUTTERS OR OPENERS?*
Men aren’t stupid, and you don’t need a complicated set of rules to find a good one who loves you.
HERE’s the ONLY RULE you need:
"IF A MAN LOVES YOU… He will DO ANYTHING he can to keep you around…I really mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G!" (~Tin~)
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
It’s harmless to be with person who has that special spark for you…Laugh around, flirt a little… After all, there’s no commitment involved…It’s actually fun..,
That is, if fun is really all you’re after. But believe me, it gets confusing in the long run… and you’ll just sit in a corner wonderin’…
IS THIS ALL? (~Ish~)
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
If a person doesn’t love you no matter how hard you try be loved, then there’s no reason for you to stay. The only way to stop hurting is to stop wanting and the only way to stop wanting is to start accepting that the person is probably not the same person you used to know. Then and only then you can move on to find the happiness that becomes truly rewarding when shared with the same person who loves you just the same or probably even more.(~cuz~)
Thanks.. I had a lot…
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.
But you should know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation…and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else. It’s just that…
"The best thing is not to hate anyone, only to love. That is the only way out of it. As soon as you have forgiven those whom you hate, you have gotten rid of them. Then you have no reason to hate them; you just forget."
INTERNAL AFFAIRS | Comment (0)SILLY THOUGHTS OF MINE JUST MAKES NO SENSE…
I have nothin to say here tonight….except to post these words that I find really meaningful…^_^
Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it. Bitterness sickens life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes.
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If I go away, what would still remain of me?
The ghost within your eyes? The whisper in your sighs?
You see… Believe. Coz I’m always there.
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I hate the stars because I look at the same ones as you do, without you. ~_~
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Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost, sometimes unrecognized, but in the end, always found with no regrets, forever valued and kept treasured.
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It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.
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For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow.
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So….
Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.
Finally….
Love is a GIFT, a PROMISE, love is a SOUVENIR…
Once given, it is never forgotten, never let it disappear.^^<
INTERNAL AFFAIRS | Comment (0)
WANNA BE INSPIRED?^_^
I’ve learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I’ve learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do love each other.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
I’ve learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon.
And I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.~_~
How about you>?< Care to share your lessons in life?^^M Peace!
CURRENT AFFAIRS ^^M | Comment (0)
CAN u SPOT the MissiNg PHRASE? ^_^
I was wondering what to write here today…
It seems that my day will never be complete without posting somethin in my bloggie…^_^
Actually, I’m supposed to be running now…(literally) coz as usual, I’m late as hell for my review…hehehe
But I don’t mind.. I’ll catch up with the lecture later ^^M
Anyway…my days were a humdrum…but though they were mundane…I still reserve a reason to smile per diem…
I always stare at the vanilla sky every morning…wishing something above par will happen, and my day will surely be different…
You see, I’m scared that this monotony will make me a wishy-washy girl… By then, I wouldn’t be posting anything here..haha!
But I’m trying my best to be ballsy as much as possible…
Everyday… a spark of hope and life is emanating from inside…
It will fill that missing space pro tempore…
And when the time comes that everything is at its proper place…
I will pursue that missin’ piece to complete the puzzle.
God…I still believe in happy endings ^^M
Current Affairs | Comment (0)
The RAIN IS POURING HARD again…and this time..it’s gettin cold…
YOU said you will be there for me…
But why is it that I can’t feel your presence???
YOU said you are just there, ready to listen…
But why is it that I feel so alone???
Where were you during those times when I needed you the most???
When I needed someone to talk to, noone willingly came… except for those whom I still have to beg just for them to lend me their ears and spare time.
Darn… Is this self-pity now?! hahaha…wtf is happening???
Why is it that when people needs my help, I see to it that I’m always there for them…because I don’t want you guys to feel how it is to be left hangin with noone to turn to…
But when it’s me who’s in need…why is it that noone gives a damn??? hahahaha… (maybe you’re not worthy of their time mai..c’mon..)
Why do you have to disappear in my most fragile moments???
I have already dehydrated my lacrimal ducts and still, you didn’t show a sign of your presence…
You didn’t even bother to check on me if I’m still alive… (So what if you’re dead mai..who cares?haha..c’mon..wake up gurl!)
You all remember mai name only when you’re all on the verge of a dilemma…
But why is it that when you have overcome your sadness, you leave me hangin behind?
For the love of God, is my purpose here in earth is to be everyone else’s saving grace? (Like a superhero huh…like duh??!!)
Someone you’re only going to call when you need help??? And after you got what you need… you’re like "abrakadabrakazoomkazaam" puff* … up up and away! (*toinks)
Even if I don’t think twice and I always try my best to ease your burdens, for you to feel better…
I just wonder if there was 1 moment in your carefree days that you remember me…o_o
I’m not demanding anything here..hehehe don’t get me wrong, ayt? I’m just pouring everything in this bloggie coz as I’ve notice, it’s the most unselfish thing in this world. Silly as it sounds, but at least, it’s the only bestfriend that I know who won’t leave me come what may. ^^M Peace
Superheroes have weaknesses too y’know. I have my own version of Kryptonite. LOL
I’m not the strong and the brave y’all think I am. Geez..you have no idea how weak I am inside. *,*
I’m like this, lookin so invincible… it’s because this is the only way that I can save myself from drowning in my own abyss of solitude. AND if I won’t, who else will take the risk to rescue me???
HEY… never say you will… when you’re not sure that you will be there…you’ll only disappoint me. (*ouch) ehehehe
Don’t worry… I’m a highly adaptive specie of Eve…I can find my way out of this labyrinth I’m stuck for so long.
I guess I just have to be my own hero…
Like I’ve always been.
I know for a fact that….
"It’s nobody’s responsibility to make me happy!"
^^M Peace!
INCINERATION | Comments (2)
HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED THIS? ^^M
Lying on bed listening to the pouring rain outside…
A long drive on a calm road…
Finding money in your old jeans just when you need it…
Giggling over silly jokes…
Holding hands with a friend…
Getting a hug from someone who loves you…
The moment your eyes fill with tears after a big laugh…
Feeling the water on your face as you take your shower…
Watching the dew on flowers early in the morning after a heavy rain last night…
Lying at your rooftop, watching d starry sky…
Listening to the hum of the chirping birds…
Singing while cooking your viand…
Ice cream dripping on your shirt…
hayzzzzz…….. this is life…………^^M
Uncategorized | Comment (0)
An ATTEMPT to define. . .
"LOVE…
means trusting yourself with someone who has seen you at your worst and loves you in anyway…
it means teasin each other and laughing at inside jokes…
nobody but only the two of you understands…
it means feeling safe enough to talk about anything and having the patience to work out disagreements…
it means counting on someone who sympathizes when you had a bad day…
worries about you when you’re gone too long…
and always welcomes you with open arms no matter what!"
^^M
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