EXCERPTS from my NOTEPAD… d lost days…

8/2/07- confused and alone: locked up mode

I am lacking. I have emptiness that I can’t explain. I don’t feel secured. I am not at peace.  I wanted company. No… I need it.

I am becoming more and more vulnerable each day. I am gradually changing. Evolving. This is not what I am. Or was it that I haven’t just accepted the change?

I just wanted my spirit to feel alive and human. Like what most of my kins have been. That is, if I’m really one of them. Ridiculous. Silly. But Hey! If we were wearing the same uniform, it doesn’t mean we’re classmates. We’re all just from the same school, but it doesn’t mean we compliment one another. Nor does it apply that we have the same learnings.

The facade is just painted as it is, so that you will have to find out yourself the unique difference of each. Dig deeper and uncover. If not, then, you will just be looking at a painting without knowing the strokes and colors behind its intricate beauty. How dull :’(

I have a lot of questions. I know most of the answers but I think they’re not really deserving to be called "answers." They’re just facts of the idealism set by this world. You know, for basis. For people to believe that a certain thing exist, there must be a reason or explanation behind it. A purpose. A rationale. Nevertheless, those are the undeniable sweet-bitter truth.

But why do I think such of them???

Maybe because I have been wanting to prove their existence all along.

To TEST. To FEEL. To EXPERIENCE.

You know what I mean?… a touch of REALITY…Yes, that’s the exact words I’ve been trying to imply.

Obviously, my mind’s cluttered. And I can’t seem to gather every thought that’s been messing my encephalon. My emotions are at its peak. I can’t seem to fathom its depth. It’s making me feel ambiguously dramatic. Eccentric? Bipolar? I just wanted to live. Be like anyoneelse. I don’t want to be extraordinary anymore. It’s making me feel alone. Isolated. Besides, nobody seems to notice the ‘extra’ in the ordinary. Everyone in the crowd is too busy with their own affairs. They won’t bother to take a look at the corner where extras are. Nobody will care to stop and spend time in something that’s been left out anyway. Typical is fine with me. At least, I belong.

So what do I owe the value of waiting? To myself? To someoneelse? What do I get from it? LESSONS? Rewards?

The clock is ticking. Anything can happen in a split second. Uncertain and ephemeral. And still, I’ll wait???

HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN I SHOULD START PACING? Or CHASING?

This is BORING.

Why do we need to complicate when we could just simplify?! And why is it so hard to tell the truth and so easy to lie?! When if you look at its by-product, nothing’s different. It’ll be just the same.

PAIN.

SO why fret about it when you know you will deal with it sooner or later?! The things is… the longer you conceal the rot, the fouler it’ll become.

DEODORIZE!

SANITIZE!

But NEVER sterilize!

Because you can never make your skin sterile.

Now that’s a FACT!

INTERNAL AFFAIRS |