THE LAST ONE to date. . .

. So this is me. Mai oh Mai. *shocked*

I am about to make another step in my life… another challenge… another dream within my grasp. I just don’t know if I can muster all the strength that I will need to move every muscle in my body to make that 1 giant leap that will change my life. Oh Lord, help me.

And so I must put everything in place before I leave. I hope I brought peace in your mind and heart. I never wanted to be a distraction. But you have no idea how distracted I am everyday~thinking of you.Darn. I am still the old me. Well, minus the hair and the old skin, and yea, the added fats.*laughs*

You will always be… no question about that!=)

But life must go on for me. Even if I am already forgotten. But hey, you will always be remembered.

I miss every single moment… I guess I’ll forever be hunted by YOU.^^M

So where can I run? Where will I hide? Nowhere near you, of course. ^^ I don’t want to plant another seed that is so hard to pull when it grows wild. Better this way then. Easy for you, hard for me. But that’s how life goes. That’s how love goes. *pinch*

I will always be here for you. Even if you will not hear a word from me for a long time. I will always be yours… even if it doesn’t go the other way around.^^ Thanks for making my day brighter than the sun. For giving twinkle in my eyes more scintillating than the stars. Even if those were only in my mind and heart, it brings joy to me. YOU ARE MY PEACE. I’m forever grateful you came.^^M

2 days more and everything will change. The outcome will determine my destiny. If in case God will permit me, my plans will have a chance to become a reality.

I am a patient person. Coz I know God will give my heart’s desires in due time.

I am praying that yours will be granted too! So don’t be sad. Smile. Like what you’re always telling me to do;-)

After I settle everything here, I’ll be dormant for a quite sometime. My presence will not be felt. And so I ask you to take care of yourself all the time. I may not be there when you need my help. But I asked God to watch over you.^^

BFF!^^ (*basha~)

I am happy. Whether I FAIL OR NOT. I’ll do my best for the people who never stopped believing in me. Thank you so much for keeping me strong. YOU ARE ALL MY INSPIRATION.

^^M Peace!

WHAT TIME IS IT???

For heaven’s sake, it’s 3 o’clock in the morning mai…

And these thoughts are still bugging me:(

Like an aircon that is set in max cool, it blows off air that makes me succomb to my senses.

Getting numb, but still, overcoming the urge of shutting the system down.

I know that this is a test of faith and trust. The ones who deserve to earn it are the ones who work hard to achieve it. Though it’s not a lifetime immunity from doubt and scrutiny, it’s still an advantage, a plus factor to be regarded. Flatter yourselves if you may, for seldom are the ones who receive such a precious token. But careful not to push it to its limits, for it is a fragile thing that once broken, no mend could ever put the pieces back again.

A test to uncover who remains true.

Will you stand by me? Or will you depart and flee?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My heart has always been the major casualty  eversince, and my mind is my best soldier  that counteracts the enemy of my flesh. This is because my heart has always been weak, vulnerable…  Thanks to Him, He knew my weakness that’s why He gave me a better head. A thinking head that never ceases even if my body could no longer bear another slash of agony and pain. It maintains my equilibrium, my homeostasis. This is the reason why I can still stand, even if faltering… bleeding…

I can attest that frailty of the heart is not a total weakness at all. It’s more of a gift that made me more human. To feel what I am suppose to feel is not a sin to be reckoned nor a liability to be considered. It is an opportunity, an experience, a lesson to strengthen the weary part of me.

HAIL! For my thoughts sinks into the abyss of rationality again. The deeper it goes, the more the truth is dawning before my eyes.

DONT FALL, DONT  DROWN… KEEP ON FLOATING… THREADING.

Don’t let anyone extinguish the breath of life and the light of hope. For the buoyancy of life will push you up. The current of truth will bring you to the shores of neverending bliss.

Remember, you will remain unscathed if you will only keep yourself whole and free from holes. If not, you will be flooded. It’ll get to you faster than you think. Consuming every space inside to the point of pulling you down.

Unheeded, it’ll result to your most inevitable fate~

SHRINKAGE

… to the depths of brokenness and solitude that not even a flicker of light could give you company. So lift your spirit up. Defy the pull of temptation and insanity. Muster every courage to surface up and never let anyone mess with your journey!

SAIL ON! ^^M

INTRACTABLE PAIN

hate just keeps on building up on me…

and it’s scary to think that it consumes much of the goodness i have in my heart…

let go, before the wheel turns on you…

And you’ll be so damn sorry:+

~to be continued~

RECEPTIVE APHASIC *Pweh!*

It’s been awhile since I wrote something here.

NOW what? What’s the topic? EXCITED to read eh???

Well, first and foremost, I would like to break that excitement and turn it into somethin unpleasant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is not the usual love-hatred-pour out-stuff that you might be expecting… This is more of a pure disgust-post of mine.

I don’t exactly know where to start but I’ll start it from where the pieces were left scattered…

I thought everything will be okay now that I DON’T FCKINGLY CARE at all..haha! *sarcasm at its peak*

So what?

Well…  It’s not cupid’s fault…

it’s actually a mistake of humans…US… I know I made my own share. And GEEZ! LESSONS just makes me remember all and REMIND that I SHOULD NEVER, EVER DIVE that deep!

A CHOICE - BLUNTLY DISPLAYED…Or shall I say…

SLAPPED INTO my face?

Well, what was seen was seen…

INTROSPECTION… A ViSioN fRoM wiThiN…^^M

‘mAi.’

TweenTEEN.

YouNg and ViSiOnAry. ~,^

Simple, yet complex. Shallow, yet deep.

Strong, yet vulnerable. Hopelessly hoping.

Ambiguously pathetic. Bipolarly vague.

The sweet & sour. Knowingly unpredictable.

I strongly hold on. I weakly let go.

A TOTAL PARADOX…

I keep my idealism, but reality bombards me to snap out of it. My beliefs are scrutinized. My strength is tested. I might trip and fall, but I don’t intend to stay on the ground.

I will rise. I will soar. I will look down. I will always remember. Never to forget. Though everything is subjected to change without prior notice. I won’t suppress. But I have no control over repression. I easily get disoriented. My vision and hearing is highly sensitive.

I want to move on, but I can’t seem to let go. I want to be angry, but I can’t seem to feel hatred. I want to be happy, but I can’t seem to smile. I want to feel complete, but the emptiness just won’t go away. I want peace, but this chaos tortures me. I want to shout everything at the top of my voice, but my voice is faltering. I want to cry my heart out, but my lacrimal system has already been dehydrated. I need security so I won’t feel lost and threatened, but it’s so hard to have it. I need to catch up with time, but it’s so hard to race against it. I have no fight. I can’t compete.

2555 v/s 1??? ~_~ How’s that???

But I am trying to compensate… regenerate…levitate. And after I recuperate, I want to forget. Sad isn’t it? Damage has been done. Prevention of further injury is my goal. Avoid exposure to risk factors. Specific protection and rigid guarding is important.

I will prevail. I will rehabilitate. And the next time we’ll cross paths, my memory cells will remember you. I have an army of valiant antibodies - armed and shielded by experience and lessons. ^^M Peace!

EXCERPTS from my NOTEPAD… d lost days…

8/2/07- confused and alone: locked up mode

I am lacking. I have emptiness that I can’t explain. I don’t feel secured. I am not at peace.  I wanted company. No… I need it.

I am becoming more and more vulnerable each day. I am gradually changing. Evolving. This is not what I am. Or was it that I haven’t just accepted the change?

I just wanted my spirit to feel alive and human. Like what most of my kins have been. That is, if I’m really one of them. Ridiculous. Silly. But Hey! If we were wearing the same uniform, it doesn’t mean we’re classmates. We’re all just from the same school, but it doesn’t mean we compliment one another. Nor does it apply that we have the same learnings.

The facade is just painted as it is, so that you will have to find out yourself the unique difference of each. Dig deeper and uncover. If not, then, you will just be looking at a painting without knowing the strokes and colors behind its intricate beauty. How dull :’(

I have a lot of questions. I know most of the answers but I think they’re not really deserving to be called "answers." They’re just facts of the idealism set by this world. You know, for basis. For people to believe that a certain thing exist, there must be a reason or explanation behind it. A purpose. A rationale. Nevertheless, those are the undeniable sweet-bitter truth.

But why do I think such of them???

Maybe because I have been wanting to prove their existence all along.

To TEST. To FEEL. To EXPERIENCE.

You know what I mean?… a touch of REALITY…Yes, that’s the exact words I’ve been trying to imply.

Obviously, my mind’s cluttered. And I can’t seem to gather every thought that’s been messing my encephalon. My emotions are at its peak. I can’t seem to fathom its depth. It’s making me feel ambiguously dramatic. Eccentric? Bipolar? I just wanted to live. Be like anyoneelse. I don’t want to be extraordinary anymore. It’s making me feel alone. Isolated. Besides, nobody seems to notice the ‘extra’ in the ordinary. Everyone in the crowd is too busy with their own affairs. They won’t bother to take a look at the corner where extras are. Nobody will care to stop and spend time in something that’s been left out anyway. Typical is fine with me. At least, I belong.

So what do I owe the value of waiting? To myself? To someoneelse? What do I get from it? LESSONS? Rewards?

The clock is ticking. Anything can happen in a split second. Uncertain and ephemeral. And still, I’ll wait???

HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN I SHOULD START PACING? Or CHASING?

This is BORING.

Why do we need to complicate when we could just simplify?! And why is it so hard to tell the truth and so easy to lie?! When if you look at its by-product, nothing’s different. It’ll be just the same.

PAIN.

SO why fret about it when you know you will deal with it sooner or later?! The things is… the longer you conceal the rot, the fouler it’ll become.

DEODORIZE!

SANITIZE!

But NEVER sterilize!

Because you can never make your skin sterile.

Now that’s a FACT!

LESSONS…

LESSON #1: NEVER MAKE UP A LIE AND GET BUSTED…

This is with regards to my previous post here, which I just deleted because as I thought about it, it’s only making my bloggie filthy. Furthermore, the person concerned will no longer exist in my friends list, ym, and even in my phone, for I don’t consider anymore such persons as my friend.

LESSON #2: I ALWAYS TAKE THREATS SERIOUSLY, SO DON’T DARE PRANKED WITH ME…

I am a nursing graduate and I’m used to dealing with Psychiatric Patients. And I always apply what I’ve learned in my daily living. SUICIDE THREATS, real or not, is serious. It’s life that we’re talking about here and not just an inanimate object that you can easily replace. You see, I’m a person who doesn’t take anyone for granted, especially if you’re a dear friend of mine or maybe beyond. And when you say that you need my help, rest assured, you won’t hear a NO as an answer. But for the love of God, if you have nothing to do with your life, don’t play with me and make me worry to the point that I can no longer sleep!

LESSON #3: TRUST ONLY THE WORTHY

Now, I get really cautious on whom I will give my trust. Because the last time I did, I got disappointed. This is very important to me… HONESTY. That’s all I ask.

*SHUTTERS OR OPENERS?*

Men aren’t stupid, and you don’t need a complicated set of rules to find a good one who loves you.

HERE’s the ONLY RULE you need:

"IF A MAN LOVES YOU… He will DO ANYTHING he can to keep you around…I really mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G!" (~Tin~)

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

It’s harmless to be with person who has that special spark for you…Laugh around, flirt a little… After all, there’s no commitment involved…It’s actually fun..,

That is, if fun is really all you’re after. But believe me, it gets confusing in the long run… and you’ll just sit in a corner wonderin’…

IS THIS ALL? (~Ish~)

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

If a person doesn’t love you no matter how hard you try be loved, then there’s no reason for you to stay. The only way to stop hurting is to stop wanting and the only way to stop wanting is to start accepting that the person is probably not the same person you used to know. Then and only then you can move on to find the happiness that becomes truly rewarding when shared with the same person who loves you just the same or probably even more.(~cuz~)

Thanks.. I had a lot…

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

But you should know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation…and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else.

"The best thing is not to hate anyone, only to love. That is the only way out of it. As soon as you have forgiven those whom you hate, you have gotten rid of them. Then you have no reason to hate them; you just forget."

SILLY THOUGHTS OF MINE JUST MAKES NO SENSE…

I have nothin to say here tonight….except to post these words that I find really meaningful…^_^

Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it. Bitterness sickens life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I go away, what would still remain of me?
The ghost within your eyes? The whisper in your sighs?
You see… Believe. Coz I’m always there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate the stars because I look at the same ones as you do, without you. ~_~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost, sometimes unrecognized, but in the end, always found with no regrets, forever valued and kept treasured.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So….

Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.

Finally….

Love is a GIFT, a PROMISE, love is a SOUVENIR…

Once given, it is never forgotten, never let it disappear.^^<

WANNA BE INSPIRED?^_^

I’ve learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.

I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do love each other.

I’ve learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon.

And I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.~_~

How about you>?< Care to share your lessons in life?^^M Peace!